She chose life.

A year ago, post referral, I felt so many unexpected emotions - sad, confused, excited, nervous, and most of all . . . overwhelmed.

You see, that long awaited for referral picture brought so much more with it than a name, a location and a face. Yes, it brought relief and joy and a sense of "knowing" who our child was. But it also brought along with it unbelievable grief . . . every time I looked at that little face, all I could see, all I could think about, were her birth parents. It was unexpected, it was overwhelming, it was confusing.

For those first few days post referral I think I was in total grief for Katie's birth parents. I knew in my head that our gain came at someone else's great personal loss . . . but seeing that picture, falling in love with that face, it all became such a stark reality. That sweet little girl, those eyes, those pudgy cheeks, that crazy hairline, they all came from the union of two people who we would never know. And those two people made a decision for life . . . specifically, Katie's birth mom chose to carry a child to full term and give birth. Then she chose to give her child a chance for life beyond what she could offer. She had other options . . . harsher, life ending options. But she didn't choose those . . . she chose life.

And those first few days when I first saw Katie, all I could think of was this woman who gave us a gift . . . the gift of Katie. I wondered about her. I wondered about her looks. I wondered about her personality. I wondered about her everyday life. And I especially wondered about her grief.

These were unexpected emotions after such a long wait, to be sure. But I'm thankful for the struggle of these emotions. I'm thankful that after a year these emotions aren't ever very far from the surface. I don't think a day goes by that I don't think of Katie's birth mom. On our hard days, I wonder what temperament Katie inherited from her parents. On our good days I long for this unknown woman to know how happy and content and loved Katie is. She is never far from my thoughts, and she is always in my heart.

I am thankful for Katie. And I'm most thankful and grateful to her China Mommy . . . to the woman who chose life so that we can raise and love that little life . . . our Katie Mei.

Comments

[BeckyB]

You said that SO well - And I'm also grateful daily that "She chose life." I love your name "China Mommy" - that is such a sweet term for a wonderful woman!!

[Rachelle]

Karen,

what a lovely post. I have to admit, that I have not had those same feelings yet about Ellie's birth mother. At the moment, it's hard to see past her (Ellie) yet, and to where or who she came from. Thank you, for giving me something to ponder.